Love is like purgatory, only without permission to look at waitingroom magazines

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 05:17:12 GMT

i cant even breathe

i feel like im going to be sick

i just want to go home :*(

i dont know that i would have ever been ready, and now i dont know what to do. i should have been ok since it happened two months ago. im not.

maybe i never should have faked being happy or alright. but i didnt really have a choice.

im more scared than i have even been in my entire life.

God help me. i miss him more than even i knew.

Im so beyond lost...

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 08:03:37 GMT

I move tomorrow. This will be the last entry from Walnut Dr. Im not ready for this. I feel like I am being pushed off the high dive into the deep end of a pool.

I dont know...

not anymore...

I hate this more than anything Ive done in my life thus far. You just dont even know. I may seem like im doing just fine, like im ok...

im not...

not even close.

I want to hit the pause button and just stop time, right here, right now.

This feels like the end of me. Not, thats not suicidal. I just dont think I have the will to move forward, to try, anymore. Ive been hurt too badly. Im too scared of it happening again. I feel like now I have no one to catch me as I fall.

I just want to stay here, home :(

~Me

What in fucking hell now?

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 07:17:28 GMT

Well, things were going pretty good. I had found a new place to move to, work was beginning to be fun and enjoyable, Ive been making awesome new friends, and then tonight happened.

Hes being an ass. I mind my own business, stay out of his, go about my day, etc. Yet everything he says is some snarky, immature remark, and he just wants to keep arguing over the stupidest shit. I move on the 9th, and yet thats not good enough. He told me not to worry about renting a truck, that hed take care of it. He told me hed get me boxes, and help me move all my stuff. Now, he says he cant and I have to just "figure it out". I just simply dont have the money at this point. I havent spent a dime on anything unneeded, and i have a 750 deposit, 500 1st mo rent, 181 car payment, two 55+ phone bills, and another insurance payment all due by Dec 1st. About 860 of that is due on the 9th. I am barely going to make it as it is. I dont have extra money laying around to just drop on a truck unexpectedly after I was told not to worry about it almost a month ago. I dont have money to just go "buy" boxes at UPS, I cant get any from work really, and i dont know where to go to get them for free. Now he also wants to hold it above my head that he told me i dont have to pay for this month.

After him making one too many fucked up comments toward me, I made ONE back, and he told me to get the fuck out now. Nice. I really dont understand why he cant just be civil for 11 more days. Its not like i follow him around, ask him all sorts of questions, or even really talk to him anymore. And he wants to run around accusing me of seeing someone. Im not. Im not even ready for all that right now. And what would it matter anyway? Hes seeing someone else, and has been since practically 3-6 days after we broke up! So really, who the fuck cares?

So supposedly I am a psycho bitch, because I couldnt find a place to move into sooner than the 9th. When he gave me to the 31st. Id say thats pretty damn close, and all he wants to do is throw fits about it. And call me immature. And get pissed at me, because its just not fast enough for him. If anything, Ive been exactly what he asked me to be. I am doing my own thing, and staying out of his hair. Maybe he just doesnt really know what he wants. All I know is its kind of shitty to treat someone like this with no other reason than you want them gone. Its not like im being a pain in the ass. He still gets meals cooked for him, which I pay for, cigarettes that I pay for, and I do our half of the cleaning. I understand he wants me gone. I want to be gone too. But this is just retarded. There is no reason for this sort of behavior. There is no reason to insult me left and right.

Ugh. I just want to move now. I wish I could. I wish I could just go and wash my hands of this, so that my life goes back to being drama free again. I moved on. So why is it feeling more and more like he really hasnt?

Grr. I just hope it doesnt get any more ugly than it did tonight. I cant deal with that for much longer.

~Me

slowly, all the days line up and fade out

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 06:27:06 GMT

Well. I cant say that I was ready for this. I meet with the lady who is to be my potential housemate on Sunday. Three weeks left until I will have to move. All this hurt, all this happiness that once was, all that was right...gone, and because of something out of either one of our control. This stupid bomb that dropped and changed everything, forever.

Im not ready to let go of him. Im not ready to not see him daily. I wasnt ready to watch him go into the arms of another, or because of stupid shit, slowly pull away. Im not ready to no longer have him in my life. It wasnt supposed to go like this. I still, even now, cant help but feel like everything is so wrong. He made me happier than I had ever been. I know at one point, that I had done the same for him. It kills me to just let go of that and send it on its way.

I sent an email to his parents, thanking them for welcoming me into their home and family the way they did. For being as good to me as they were. His mom emailed me back with such a beautiful note. It means so much that they think of me the way that they do. They really are more like family to me than anyone else I have ever known. They are both such incredible people. She even went as far as to tell me that I was welcome in their home anytime, and to never hesitate to call. I really enjoyed getting so close to his mom. Im going to miss them, and his grandma so much. I really do love all of them.

So, despite, Ive been doing the only thing that I can do, and trying my damndest to just let go. I cant stop loving him, but I can give him his space, his privacy, his freedom to do what he wants without worrying about me. As much as I dont want to, its what he deserves. Happiness. But god in heaven, will I miss him.

Me

not a day goes by...

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 05:19:37 GMT

Im still hurting. I still wish I could take him in my arms, hug him, and know it would be alright. I still love him beyond words. But I am getting there. I have spent the last few days trying to fill up every inch of my time with distractions. Trying to take my mind away from everything. Things havent gotten easier, Ive just gotten better at ignoring them. Trying to get myself excited about something that I really dont want. Trying to be positive when really, I feel like curling up into a ball and crying for a week straight. I dont even know how to express how much I miss him. His touch, his voice, his laughter, his warmth, his humor, him. Time doesnt make things go away. Time doesnt make things easier. Time only makes us able to push through to that place inside ourselves where we can face the world without going insane.

Everyday I see him less and less. We speak less and less.

I dont know why I keep writing anymore. This will never change anything. My Boo, the man I love, is gone. I wont get that back. My life is now me. So where is it that I'll end up next? Whats down the road? I dont know. I just hope it doesnt hurt like this does. I just hope one day I can just smile over what I had, and not have it rip me in two. I just hope it gets easier.

Me

pushing through

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 07:22:47 GMT

Finally.

Looking for a new place has made it possible to numb it out. I am forcing myself to be excited. I found a beautiful house...well a room in a house, but its freakin awesome. %00 a month all utilities included...as well as internet. And a garage I can park in and my own private bath. That is, if it isnt taken and the lady contacts me back. I really want this place. Bad. So wish me luck. And ive been searching online all day for new kitchen stuff, as bracey had all mine and ive been using bryan's. a new wok, rice cooker, bamboo steamers, sushi plates, utensils, cups, mugs, and knives. And a new coffee pot is on its way. Not to mention the awesome red rice cooker i found.

Things still suck ass. i still hurt...but I found a reasonable distraction. At least for now. Talking to my dad, believe it or not actually helped. I still hurt very badly, but at least I can push it down a bit now. Face the day without bursting into tears. Not panic when they talk, text, or go out. I doubt it will be like this everyday, but im just glad to get through even one without feeling like im falling down this endless tunnel. Mind you, some of the "ok-ness" was faked...but thats life. I made it. Now to get through tomorrow and the next day.

Me

please let me the fuck off

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 07:16:21 GMT

i honestly can not stay another minute in this house.

how can someone go from treating you so good to treating you like shit?

how can someone that was supposed to love you and want you in their future- their life, go to not even understanding why you give a shit if they are ok or not? to calling you a bitch for being concerned? to saying the most hurtful, hateful things that could possibly come out of their mouths?

how is it that now im being called crazy, when I didnt even get the time to heal before he found someone he wanted to spend time with more?

im sick of arguing. im sick of caring and worrying. im sick of hurting and feeling like shit and having the one person who matters most act like he doesnt even care. im sick of being in love.

i have no where to go to escape this hell. i dont want to do this anymore. i cant escape my pain and anger and frustration. i dont want to be home. i dont want to have to look at him again. i want to hate him so bad, and i cant.

why cant i ever get a moment of peace? and why, when i do, does it end in such a horrible fucking way? i dont even have my best friend in him anymore. i have nothing.

and yes. it is a big fucking deal. i dont want to die, but i sure as fuck wish i were dead. because i honestly dont know where to go from here. i took too big of a chance this time. i cant regret it, it was the best thing ive ever had while i had it. but now its just the worst. and i cant blame anyone except myself. the one lesson i failed to learn was trust. i put too much of myself in it this time. i let myself fall too far, too fast. it was all just way too perfect, and i should have seen that. i, of all people, should know by now that everything eventually falls apart. atleast with me.

here comes the moment youve all been waiting for:

this girl is done with opening herself up and letting people in. this time has seriously about killed me. finding love like i found is not worth hurting the way i do right now. and its certainly not worth watching someone else get to be given all that when you havent really even had the time to let things sink in. ive been broken too badly. its just not worth it anymore. he wasnt just the one that truly fit into my heart....he was the one that broke the camel's back.

me

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 02:55:07 GMT

I wish I could be someone else.

This weather is making me miss his arms, his lips, his heart against mine.

Its not his fault, and its not really mine, but this time im at a loss. I dont know what to do. I would give anything to be that one to him again. Even to be her. Im just tired of being me. The girl with a heart of gold that people fall hard for and then fall away from. The girl who finally fell truly in love. The girl who finally found her happiness. Because now all that is gone. And one day soon it will belong to another.

I cant help like feeling Ive lost a true part of myself. Like the waves keep washing over my head and choking me just when I think I can see the surface and break free. And the nightmares? I can hardly sleep anymore. Im so sick to my stomach and all I want to do is bury my head under the covers and stay there. I try to be strong. I try to hold my head up high, but it washes up inside me and pulls me back down.

I only want him to be happy. I truly do. I know that I hurt him everytime I hurt. But I cant help it. This hurt is deeper than anything Ive ever known. I dont think I can just get up and walk away. For once, I cant just let this person go. And it kills me. Its like someone who is supposed to be there, who has always been there deep inside your soul, has left. And will more than likely never return. I wish I was just over reacting. I wish it was something as easy as he tells me. I wish it wasnt as important. I just dont know how to explain to you what I felt when we were together...and what I know he felt. And now, how it feels to have that missing...and to be told to just move on. To be happy. Hard as I try, I cant. The most I can muster is a fake sense of happiness. This dull, pasted over feeling of "Im ok...really." because Im not. But Im not allowed to feel how I truly feel. Because when I do, it just upsets him. So instead, im forced to stare blankly out of these eyes at the world, and try to keep my thoughts and voice silent. Because I dont want to hurt him. I dont want him to feel guilty. And so Im left, trying to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of his. I cant numb it out. I cant kill it, though ive tried. I cant escape the feeling of the universe screaming at me that all this is so wrong. I dont know what is wrong with me. i dont know why I can just give him what he is asking for. All I know is that I feel so lost. So...defeated. And all I wanted was that happiness that I knew with him. That comfort, and peace, love, equality, and knowing.

Perhaps im just desperately mistaken.

Im just tired of this game that life is. I just want someone who cuts all the bullshit, who I dont have to try to impress. Who can love me truly for who I am and be satisfied with that.

I thought he was that.

Im so tired of people. I just wish he could have been happy with me. That he could have been satisfied with who I am and what I stand for. I wish he could see that I would never have done anything to hurt him or to betray his trust. That I would have stood by his side and helped him go where ever he wanted to go if it was in my power. That I would have never held him back, except for now, when I suppose it counts the most.

I wish he could see what a beautiful person he is, and how truly special he is to me. I wish he could see himself through my eyes. It wouldnt change anything. Nothing could.

me

it happens

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 05:49:41 GMT

Its so hard knowing what you had, and knowing that its prolly gone forever. Im tired of this winding road. I thought I had finally come to its end, but it seems it was just another roadside attraction. All the moments in the day, in the month, in the coming year, couldnt make me forget what I truly feel, for once, with all the peace and serenity that true love is. I couldnt have asked for a better person to have shared that with. Im just sad that it ended so quickly. Before I really had time to become thankful, thankful to my core, for what I had, and what I experienced. Ill never forget you, Bryan Drukenbrod. You will always be my one. Even as time moves forward, and we shed our years for new ones, you will always be the one I hold that candle for. You wil always be the one that I regret losing, even for all you showed me during. You will always be my true beauty, and my fondest memory. I will always love you, no matter what may come....and not a thing in this world can alter or shake that.

me

Are you fucking kidding me? Read this all the way through....sigh

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:32:07 GMT

http://perezhilton.com/2008-06-19-blame-jamie-lynn-and-juno

omg the crazies are out!

Writer's Block: A Posthumous Oscar for Joker?

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:19:57 GMT

Do you think Heath Ledger deserves the Oscar for his role in the Dark Knight?

Submitted By quinnpuddin

View 501 Answers

absolutely

130%

books...

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 23:48:28 GMT

stolen from :haruka_yamamura
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom.
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So it looks like ive read 64 of these....losts were from school though...

And to quote haruka_yamamura's journal:

'if they included "Dune"...then...why not "Ender's Game", hmmm? I mean...they're both kinda fascist pigs...'

I was just going to say that myself when I saw that...im really pissed that ender''s game didnt make it on the list.....well, atleast watership down did :)

Writer's Block: The Only True Question:

Sat, 31 May 2008 08:23:41 GMT

If you could go back and fix your most regrettable decision, what would it be, and what would you do differently?

Or:

Pirates or Ninjas?

View 501 Answers

Its all about pirate ninjas. Yes....

>:)

Wren

pushing through...i need some meditation and peace

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 02:14:24 GMT

Well....first off I'd like to thank the few of you who could help me out, no matter what way you did. You cant even begin to know how its helped. Even the smallest bit meant more than anything to me. Im glad to know i have people out there who really do care. I want you all to know that if the tables were turned, i would do the same if i was able to spare, or even with advise as some of you gave me. Thank you all so much.

This morning I got a rude awakening. My dad called me to tell me that my bank account was over drawn by 163 dollars. Apparently one of my friends that i had bought furniture from when i was doing loads better financially cashed a check i had given her two months back without calling me. I gave her the check because she was moving back to her home state, and i still owed her around 400 (the total in all was 900, so i had paid 500 to that point) but then i also didnt expect to be in this situation now, and didnt realize it would take so long to get the remainder to her. Anyway, she cashed it without asking first, and now im in a bad spot. I went and applied everywhere i could think of today, and then some. My dad got my balance on my account back to zero, but hes very upset now, and i cant blame him, and i have .07 cents in my account. So much for gas to get to work, food, etc, but ill push through this. Things happen like this from time to time for a reason, and maybe i am supposed to learn something from all this. Ill make it work, ill have to. Im just frustrated that i am trying so hard, and willing to work so hard at whatever job i can get, and i have plenty of experience in many fields...including management, and i just cant seem to get out of this hole. It just keeps getting bigger. I think going to try selling some of my furniture. Hopefully I will be able to get a decent amount for some of it. I just dont know what else to do. She couldnt have picked a worse time to cash that check. Heh.

I will keep you posted.

Wren

:(

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 19:39:52 GMT

My job cut my hours, yet again, and I am in the process of trying to find another one. Which is seemingly almost impossible. My paycheck currently wont even cover my bills. I'm not asking for free handouts, simply if you have something to spare, even if its 25 cents, and want to help me out in this difficult time, then feel free to click on my paypal button and donate. Anything at all would help. Heck, even if you know of anywhere in Fayetteville that is hiring. I hate to even post something like this, but im not sure what else to do while i seek out something new. One simply cannot survive on 13-15 hours of work per week. Esp when I was getting like 35+. And with no notice what so ever. The schedule was made a month in advance, so how is it fair to just edit that and cut my hours with only a days notice? I dont know. But please, if you can help, and want to, then id greatly appreciate it.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 02:24:17 GMT

You scored 31% Faeries, 16% Gnomes, 61% Elves, and 12% Human!

Faerie = You are a free spirit, and your glow lights everyone’s life. You tend to see the fun in everything, but will seldom stay on a task for more then it's entertainment value. Sometimes you take your entertainment to mischief. Be careful to not become to interested in everything try to focus. Let some objects go before they get you into trouble.
History: Faeries are the scouts of the Fae world. They keep an eye on those the Court wishes to know more about. They tend to check on children of all creatures for these beings could be useful if the Court has to deal with them in the future. The Seelie Court many times must reprimand the Faeries for they tend to cause mischief and with their short attention span can forget to warn the Court. The Unseelie Court demand that Faeries should do what they are good at. Mischief and random acts of chaos are the orders of the Unseelie Court.
********************************************************************************************************************
Gnomes = You like to stay home, and be with your friends and family. A good drink and a hot meal is worth more then any country you could see. You have the mind to create new ideas or to inspire others. Tending to be a grouch prevents you from getting into all the parties, but when people get to know you they wonder how the party went along without you. You have no problem taking the abandoned things, or the things you thing belong to you.
History: The workers and the inventers of the Fae world. They only venture out of their little homes when they hear a fine keg being opened, or a human needs inspiration to complete a new contraption. The Seelie Court often has them sneak into homes to whisper new ideas to those that should have a mind for new inventions. The Unseelie Court will often use the Gnomes to kidnap the young to convert them to something useful, or to give information on very destructive items.
***********************************************************************************************************************
Elves = You tend to be high and in control of everything. Many see you as a member of the beautiful people, which can make you very unapproachable. You stand back from much and analyze how you will approach the next problem, but when it gets right down to it you just want to have fun. You entertainment maybe in a book, but you still fit into the Gnome or Faerie crowd when they have a party. Just be careful to not stand back to long. Sometimes you analytical vengeful nature can snap out at others, and cause a lot of damage.
History: Elves tend to be the Court of the Fae world. Ruling over the laws, and keeping records of what goes on in the worlds they know. They seldom venture outside Fae lands, but when they do it is to take care of a nasty or give information that only they can carry. In the Seelie Court they are beautiful graceful creatures that hold the written word and song higher then anything else. The Unseelie Court has many elves but they are less likely to think of the interests of more then just their world. Going so far as to wish the destruction of the human world by any means.
********************************************************************************************************************
Human = You seldom believe what you cannot see. You think your science will solve everything. There is a large world out there but you do not care. In fact did you even take the test?
History: Notorious and delicious. Tastes just like chicken. You are classified as boring by the Fae but do not take it to heart. It just means the Fae have nothing to do with you. Who would want to be in their fun anyway? Some Fae though feel you are a major threat. The Fae world sees much of the humans’ and refuses to care much for their deeds. With a few exceptions that seem to be more Fae then human after being touch with the whispers of the Court. The Seelie wish to work with the humans, and even show some the secrets the Fae world holds. The Unseelie want the humans out of their world and for that fact all worlds. If this means destroying them openly, or having the humans do it to them selves this is fine.

Link: The Fae Test Test written by cheffae on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(cheffae)

drama is the dirt that you can never seem to wash off

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:00:16 GMT

Well, things the other day were fine...in fact, better than fine. Work is getting me down a bit. I lvoe the job still, but i could barely scrape by at the 25ish hours she was giving me...now shes cut it to like 15, without even asking me. I just came in and she was like, "I dont need you tomorrow. Im going to have Alysha train the new girl. Oh and im making more changes for the rest of the month." No, "here, you can have this day to replace the one i took." or "can i use some of your hours to get the new girl ready to work?". No it was just, BAM, no more hours. I didnt even have time to see if I could find a second job to supplement the income she just decided to take away from me. And it doesnt help that on days when her numbers arent where she wants them to be, that she will stay an extra two hours and push me out of the way of the register to take sales I went out and helped. Whatever. I am getting so fed up with everything and her fake forced smiles underlaid with sarcasm and such. Im tired of trying to ask her a legitimate question, and her blatantly ignoring me, like a 5 year old child throwing a tantrum. Its not worth it to stay and deal with drama at a job where my hours are getting so cut down without my permission to where i cant even pay half of my bills. Its not worth struggling over. I wouldnt have left stacie in a bad position, but pats trying to get me to quit. She knows she cant fire me. I havent done a thing wrong, and my numbers stay really good. I have a year + of working at a store where people know me very well and how i do things. It would be too obvious that it was something of her fault. Everyone there says she is intimidated by me. Because im not stupid and i dont let her walk all over me just to make herself look better. But its not even about some game she wants to play anymore. She messed with my livelihood. She had hours for me, and she stole them and gave them to someone else just to spite me. I dont play games. I take my work seriously. I can use my skills elsewhere where i am not belittled and berated. Whatever.

So I am looking into becoming a librarian. only 20k per year, but when you think about it, thats actually like 800-900 per two weeks before taxes. Not too bad. Or i could go and do management at gamestop here. I put in my app, but im not too sure if they are hiring. Maybe its time I actually put some of my skills into action. I can sell practically anything to anyone, and convincingly at that. Plus my customer service skills are 110%. But the library would prolly be more enjoyable. We shall see. I just hate that its come to this. I really did like my ts job. i still do. i just dont work in drama filled, hostile environments. Fix that one person, and itd be a great place to work!

Bryan is still trying to lockdown something different. We still dont know if we are going to move somewhere else or not. I just hope he finds something he is happy with, and soon.

Everything else is still great. We are both broke as heck, but we are happy. And trying to solve our money issues best we can. We are going to his grandmas for lunch on easter sunday. woohoo! im excited, even if i am a little dorky for being so.

I like fayetteville, but sometimes its a bit overwhelming. I still dont know how to get around other than to a few areas, and i dont know where a lot of things are. It took around 6 mo to a year to figure out greensboro, and that was more widespread and not everything looked the same like it does here. This is the first time ive really lived outside of raleigh on my own. i cant really count college, because i always had raleigh to go back to. dont get me wrong, id never change my mind about being here, its just taking a bit long to adjust to navigating the area.

I miss quite a few of you guys back in raleigh. i miss having my friends nearby. i dont know anyone here except bryan. which isnt bad, and im very happy, i just feel so lazy on days off because theres no one to call up and go do stuff with.

Well...im off for now. Gonna write a cover letter, clean, do my nails, etc.

~Me

blah blah yadah yadah

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 14:31:49 GMT

Well everything is moved, and things are finally settling around here. Still have to tackle getting the guest room organized and i plan on spending most of today cleaning before i have to go into work.

Work sucks, and i hate it. I dread everyday going into that damn place. I need an alternative...something else, and fast.

I hope that today ends up going better than it is seeming. Something "felt" off this morning. Nothing in particular...but we shall see. I hate feelings like that. Rawr. I want to have a really good night tonight because we are both off tomorrow. :)

well...off to finish cleaning...

Me

Small update

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 18:27:53 GMT

So here i am. I moved to Fayetteville, and im happier than i think i have ever been before. Its weird when you find someone that actually understands you 100% and is on the exact same level that you are. In everything. Its like all the little things i ever looked for or wanted in another person all ended up in one spot. I wouldnt change a single thing if i could. Yays. I could see myself easily being with him for the long run. And not just out of want or loneliness or any of those other things that give you the illusion of love etc. Because we truly are equals and something about us just works so well together. Hell, even our humor is on the exact same page.

Anyway. Im broke as hell and my car wants to function improperly again. I just got the entire cooling system fixed and now its over heating again and leaking anti freeze. Do i ever get a break? I am tired of not having any money, even for groceries. Im going to look for another job, as mac doest start back up until april or may. Something has to be done.

We also got a kitty, or rather, a kitty got us. He looks like a squirrel, and hes adorable. Hes so friendly and cuddly. Havent picked a name though, as we still have things to pick up before he can come indoors.

Well, i have stuff to get done, like reserving a moving truck for my furniture etc, and going to get my hair colored. Off for now.

Me

Yay for crazy insane awesome books

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 23:17:21 GMT

I really hate rain, but i hate it much less than ice.

Finished a great book today...Cadillac Beach by Tim Dorsey. Absolutely loved it! Now i need another misadventure of Serge Storms!

Im bored, and i need to dry my hair. Grrsss...

zen and coffee,
Me

A simple layout of me...original, so please dont snag...

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 03:45:28 GMT

Do you want to know what sort of girl I am?

I am the girl who will be fiercely loyal to you, as long as you return the favor.

I am the girl who will be as patient and laid back as you could ever ask for, as long as you are honest and straight forward with me.

I am the girl who will never judge you or turn her back on you, as long as you dont backstab me.

I am the girl who will always be there to cheer you up, and wipe away your tears, and listen when you have no one else to talk to...no matter what.

I am the girl that will accept you for every thing you are: flaws, habits, and mistakes alike.

I am the girl that will pick you up when you fall and carry you until you can walk on your own again.

I am the girl that will have your back when you arent there to defend yourself.

I am the girl who will love you unconditionally as long as you never break my heart on purpose.

I am the girl who will buy you stupid little things for no other reason than they remind me of you, and thinks they are cute.

I am the girl who will look you in the eye and tell you the truth, even when it hurts.

I am the girl who will always hear your side of the story before jumping to any conclusions.

I am the girl who will hold your hand proudly in public, with a smile on her face and a gleam in her eye.

I am the girl who will fight for you, no matter what the cost or cause.

I am the girl who will take care of you when you get sick, even if it gets me sick too.

I am the girl who loves to cook and clean simply because it means I am sharing part of myself with you.

I am the girl who loves sitting and doing nothing at all with you, because its still everything to me.

I am the girl who wont get jealous, unless you give me reason to be.

I am the girl who is true, inside and out, is a hopeless romantic, a carefree soul, and you will never have to doubt, ever.

Want to gimmie a hugz???

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 02:55:11 GMT

I is sad.

Its been a stupid, long day. I believe that it means time for reading and beds.

But grr. Too many things went poo today. But since yesterday was so good, its okies. I just want a smile before I pass out for the evening. So if anyone wants to do that I will literally love you forever and ever and ever and well...you get the point...

zen and coffee,
Me

ehh....

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 06:49:18 GMT

Tonight and today were pretty decent. Hung out with Tootie, and things have been a *tiny* bit quieter at the house. Quite a few things still "bugging" the crap out of me...but then again, i live in the seventh layer of hell these days :P

And now, alas, given that I have to wake and go to work tomorrow, I must cut this journal short and sleep. Grrsss....I want to update more, but if i dont sleep i will be a groggy grumpy Lauren...and who likes her?

Me

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 22:55:21 GMT

I got food poisoning.....its teh death.

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 23:20:22 GMT

I am so tired of bad phone calls. I am tired of being guilt tripped. I am insanely upset that I am getting blamed for him not being able to transfer. I am tired of hearing that I ruined his life. He should look back and see how he treated me for 3 years and what he did when he left me for Raven and then tried to "come back" but instead treated me worse and rubbed her and other girls in my face. I dunno. I want to just shut that door, but he wont let me. I want to move forward. Away from him, away from the stupid stuff with miz, away from all the fucking drama that insists that it pursue me into every nook and cranny. I just want peace. Miz got his. Is it because bj cant get his that I cant either? Am I fucked by karma? I am not a bad person. Nothing I did was to hurt anyone. Im tired of him calling me and telling me he loves me and misses me, and then screaming into the phone at me about how much he hates me and how my life will be shit from here on out. I can not answer the phone, but that does me no good, because then the calls dont stop and he freaks out. I dont hate him. I dont want him to be hurt, but its in the past. He made his decision 6 months ago. So what is this bullshit now? Why am I being bombarded with this when I made my own decision when he was already done with me? He told everyone we knew for three months that we werent together and took other girls out to dinner while I sat at home alone. So how do I end up with tainted karma?

Im just going to stop answering. I have no other choice. I dont want this negativity nor do I want to feel like shit every time he goes into a rant. I have my own life. I have my own things to pursue. I am not going to let the past mess with my future.

Me